four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
