Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
