I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
