someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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