Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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