I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
