he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
