I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
