We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
