Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish you could order shots online.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
