what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
