Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
