I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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