The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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