I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if only i could text you this smell
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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