Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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