I should be sponsored by Trojan
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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