Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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