I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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