I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
