well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
