Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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