My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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