Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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