True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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