He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
