So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
