haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
