I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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