I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
