bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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