I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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