he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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