There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
