I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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