i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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