her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
