Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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