I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
