my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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