Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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