I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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