Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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