i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
