This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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