So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
