Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
