Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
