this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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