In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
