Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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