Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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