My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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