the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
