I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
