She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
