I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
