I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
