I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
id be glad to
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
