as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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