you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
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Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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